Martin and I have had some lovely conversations about the status of men and masculinity in the US and Czech Republic. There are some fascinating similarities as well as differences. We both agreed that in the age of #MeToo and feminism we had a lot to talk about.

Along with my cotherapist and friend Jake Kriger, I will be meeting with Martin in Prague on October 4,5 to present our ideas and to learn from the men in his group and workshops. We’re very excited.
I’ll keep you all posted.

What if we guys spent more time early on, could linger longer in the nurturance mode (rather than the Accelerated Learning to be a Man mode) and we dads and granddads spent more time in the holding, feeding, stimulating (and, yes, changing) modes? Oxytocin, (2) the bonding hormone that increases for moms, also increases for dads in these situations. What a wonderful bilateral curriculum– providing support, taking it in, learning how to appreciate our essential vulnerability as humans.

Of course, we know there’s more involved in preventing gun violence — the ease of access to guns and our allergy to regulating our freedoms in this country, for example. Plus, if we’re honest– we love our guns. We really do.

But what if we first started by examining and revising our Male Code (3), looking at how men are nurtured and how we learn to nurture others? Might this help in preventing or reducing the impact of the many forms of male aggression with which we currently struggle?

*I’d like to acknowledge my new grandson, Abe Rocky, who
generously contributed to this post.

Footnotes:
1. Lloyd deMause, “ The Origins of War in Child Abuse,” printed in Journal of Psychohistory, 2010.
2. Ilanit Gordon, Orna Zagoory-Sharon, James F. Leckman, and Ruth Feldman Biol Psychiatry. 2010
Aug 15; 68(4): 377–382.
3. Robert Garfield, Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship,

When I was a boy, I was fascinated by Greek mythology, stories about heroes -some with superpowers -and the bold lessons of courage and daring they portrayed. One of my favorites was of Damon and Pythias, who were best friends. When Pythias is caught and sentenced to death for plotting to kill a cruel dictator, Damon begs that his friend be allowed to return home to settle his affairs. The tyrant doesn’t believe that Pythias will return, but he agrees on the condition that Damon will be executed in his place if Pythias fails his promise. On his return journey, Pythias is captured by pirates, escapes against overwhelming odds, and swims ashore, making it back to save his friend at the last minute. The tyrant is so impressed by   these friends’ loyalty and love for each other that he pardons them both.

Stories like this, that extol the virtues of close male friendship have inspired us over the centuries.  When we look around, however, it is difficult to find much evidence of this kind of high regard for men’s relationships today. Our friendships with other guys seem more of an afterthought, subordinated to other priorities we deem more important.

Talking with men personally in my consulting room, and following our recent research, I’m noticing a deep ambivalence in men about their male friendships. The record shows that most men do have male friends, and feel that these friendships are important to them. Guy friendships tend to be based mainly on doing things together, sharing activities – and having conversations that don’t go too deep.

The dilemma for guys today is that in private they say they want male friendships that are more emotionally substantial, yet, they are averse to pursuing these relationships or the kind of emotional skills that would allow them to be closer with other guys. As therapists, we see the clear evidence of this in the difficulty men have in engaging in individual or couples therapy, which tend to encourage emotional expression and self-disclosure.

My conclusion is that the “devil” lies in our social norms that have insisted on a hard-shelled definition of masculinity and yet, ironically, are beginning to challenge men to be more vulnerable and emotionally open. An example comes to mind of a client who wanted to tell his good friend that he was having marital problems, and yet was worried about this:  “He looks up to me,” he said. “What would he think of me if he knew how badly I was screwing up my marriage!”

No doubt, it’s a confusing time for guys today – sorting out what’s expected as well as what they want for themselves in their roles as men. And this confusion not only impacts on their relationships with other men, but, also, with their partners, their children and colleagues at work.

The groups I run, and the book I am writing entitled, Inside the Friendship Lab,  attempt to address this dilemma in practical ways. Our goal is to help men men redefine masculinity in ways that feel more personal, better connect them to others, and encourage emotional intimacy in their relationships.

    Please share your responses and stories.                                     

How do you feel about the male friendships in your life today? Are these relationships emotionally satisfying? What works well for you? What do you struggle with?  If you are a woman, how do you feel about your friendships with men? Are they as intimate emotionally as with other women? What’s special about your friendship with guys?

                                   Thanks,    Rob

is an online discussion about men, masculinities and friendship.  Let me know what it’s like for you to be a guy in today’s world. What’s working in your life? What are the stresses you face as a guy?  If you are a woman, you are warmly invited to respond as well.

The rules for men are changing today, and this can be confusing. Yesterday’s code for manliness was different. Open and vulnerable versus strong and in control? What’s the right direction? What are the messages from women, our partners and our children about what they expect from us? How about other guys? What can we count on in our male friendships?

Weigh in on these issues, here and now.